It's been about a week since I've gotten to write, but today is the day! I get to finally go home to my husband! I'm finally excited about something! I wasn't looking too forward to going home mainly because of the weather there....it's still in the 30's. However the closer today got the more excited I got because I knew I would once again be with Daniel. It's been great being down here and I know that everyone wishes we would move down here, but when we decide to move it really needs to be to a place that both Daniel and I have agreed on and will be happy with such a decision. I'm tired of getting pressured to move here when it's not really what we both want. I hope everyone can respect that and respect that it's a decision that we as as married couple need to make together. Until then, I am just glad that we will be together again and that I'll be back in familiar territory. I always seem to recover better when I am in my own bed!
I haven't written in a few days because I haven't been feeling very good since last Friday so I wanted to catch everyone up. I had my followup appointment yesterday with Dr. Schmidt. He said all in all things were on track for my recovery. I am still a little doubtful because some of my symptoms have either gotten worse or not better at all. Plus I have gained a few pounds since being here so that didn't help out with my depression at all. I think I know the cause of it though now, the steroids I had in the hospital and that he put me back on yesterday. The doctor said that I still have quite a bit of swelling and so he wanted me to go back on a very low dose of steroids for 6 days to see if that helps things. So far, not liking the steroids, but if they help in the long run I guess it is worth it. Right before leaving the office, the doctor was able to finally get me to laugh a bit. I asked him if all this meant that I just needed to take it slow and easy? His response was "yes, you are only two weeks out from having a big ass surgery so it is going to take quite awhile to start feeling better". I never thought I would hear my neurosurgeon say "bigass" which I told him I expected that out of my brothers but not him. He said "Oh, I am not as innocent as I look!" I really like Dr. Schmidt!
Well I was doing okay emotionally for the past few days so I thought especially after getting cheesecake
delivered from my friend Lenae on Tuesday. But I'm back to my depressed state
again. I've been silently crying since 5:30 this morning so my mom
wouldn't hear. I finally drifted back to sleep and didn't wake up until
9:30 which made me mad because I wanted to talk to Daniel some before
he went to work this morning. Well when I woke up I was in severe pain
with my stupid tennis elbow. I guess I slept on it wrong again last
night. I just felt so depressed when I woke up I couldn't even respond
to mom when she started asking me questions about what I wanted for breakfast. I finally broke down and
started crying which mad me even more mad because I absolutely hate
crying in front of her because she also gets to crying to. I finally
told her some of how I have been feeling which I think just made things
worse.
I am just so sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time which
is what I told her. I also told her how I feel like such a burden to
everyone. I think that is more so coming from some insensitive comments
my sister in law has made while we've been here (she didn't do them
intentionally of course and probably didn't even realize what she had
said). I do feel like I am a burden though and to all my loved ones,
especially my mom and my dear husband I am so sorry to put you through
this yet again.
I just want to know why I can't have a normal
life for once? I'm so depressed, but so angry too at God. I know I
shouldn't be, but I am. I know we've all heard and probably repeated
the phrase "the Lord doesn't give us more than we can bear" or "He
knows all our Trials". I'm beginning to think that may not be so true.
Why would he let me and my family go through this over and over? Maybe
I'm not learning whatever lessons I'm suppose to and that's why I'm still struggling. I wish
I was as strong as Job but I'm not, at least I don't feel like it. I
just feel like with each surgery and each thing I try that I fail at
breaks me down more and more each time.
I guess the other
thing is that I feel so lonely right now. It seems like nobody except my dad and
Daniel call to see how things are going. Well my mom's friends have called, but none of my friends hardly have. I miss Daniel so much that it
breaks my heart.
Then,
to top everything off, it looks as though recovery from this particular
surgery can take anywhere from 3 months to a year or more. So now I
have other decisions to make with my life as far as whether or not to
continue to work. I really do like my job and would for once like to
work at a job for more than 3 years. I just don't know if that's going
to be an option. I just don't feel like I know who I am anymore!
Today was the day I'd been waiting for all week....I got the staples
removed from my head today. I won't lie, it was a bit more painful then
last July, mainly because the nurse said that my hair is growing back
in already pretty fast. So the staples would get caught in the hair
about every other one. It wasn't too bad though. Now that they are out
I am able to move my neck a bit easier which has been great. I also
notice that I am not quite as dizzy as I used to be so I guess slowly
but surely I am noticing some improvements. I'm also able to transfer
much easier and don't need the sling my dad made for my mom to use. I
transfered in and out of the car quite easily today.
After
getting the staples out, we met up with my friend from high school and
her husband and little girl. Jennifer and Bryan and great people and I
wish we lived closer out here so I could see them more. I'm actually
liking the idea of moving to Utah much more, but I doubt it will ever
happen if Dan has anything to say about it. It would make things so
much easier though as my medical stuff goes though.
So after a
late lunch we headed back to the hotel. We made a slight detour though
to get me some shoes. I got several new skirts yesterday and of course
had no shoes that would go with them at all. So I found me two pairs
that look pretty cute. Then we got back the hotel to a nice surprise. I
got flowers delivered today from some friends of my parents. They are
really pretty! I kinda like coming back to the hotel to surprises like
that.
So today was a much better day than I have had in a long
while. I'm really tired though and about ready to go to bed for the
night.
I am so glad that it is Friday! This has been one very long week for me
as many of you know. I got released from the hospital on Tuesday and
got settled in and took a nice long nap after a difficult car ride.
Then waking up I thought I was hungry so Dan's mom made me some chicken
noodle soup which didn't stay down unfortunately. My sister in law
brought dinner over a little later and I eventually tried it, again
with no success. I think once I got some anti nausea medication and
took some pain meds. and got to snuggle next to my sweetie I was
feeling better. Wednesday I had to say good bye to Daniel so that was
not a good day for me. Yesterday was better I thought, although mom
didn't think so. It just took us a long time to get going in the
mornings. I think she has forgotten how long it takes to get going in
the mornings after surgery. However after one car ride and a few quick
errands, I was spent so it was back to the hotel. Today was a really
bad day! I was sick most of the day from pain meds or something so a
good portion of my day was spent in the bathroom. I'm finally feeling
better and lunch stayed down so now we are going to try Chili's for
dinner. Daniel is on a plane home right now so hopefully he gets home
safely and finds the house still standing and that the cats are still
alive!
Since I am still feeling good right now I'm hoping that
tonight I'll be up to playing online bingo tonight! Oh, we also got out
and took some pictures on our brief walk around the hotel where there
is a beautiful stream with rushing water and bridge. I didn't quite get
as good of bridge pictures as I wanted but as we are right next to it,
I'm sure there will be plenty of other opportunities for better
pictures.
Today was my first full day out of the hospital. I had so much activity going on yesterday, that I really took it easy today and rested as much as I could. I'm still getting headaches, but hopefully they will continue to get better. Yesterday I didn't have much of an appetite and by the time we got to the hotel I was really tired and sore. So I took a nice long needed nap. When I got up though and tried to eat, that didn't go well at all and I completely lost the soup I tried not long after I ate. I sipped on some juice and tried eating again some dinner that my sister in law brought over since its one of my favorite dishes. Yep, that didn't stay down either. We are thinking it is just from all the pain meds. and moving around. So that was yesterday.
Today Daniel and his mom had to leave to start driving back to Montana. So now I am without the love of my life,my eternal companion. We have never spent more than about two days apart since we got married almost three years ago and that was only because I had a business trip to go on. He has already called me once from the road and they had another flat tire on one of the other tires. I get so worried with him driving that old van of his parents. I don't like not having him here right next to me. My mom is the best at taking care of me and has been wonderful making sure I am comfortable and getting what I need. There is just something having your spouse right next to you though. We knew that this was the best decision for us right now though. He really needs to get back to his new job and work as much overtime as possible. We are really hoping that this job goes as well enough that I won't have to return to work and can take as much time off as I need so I an fully recover. The doctor said that it will take 2-3 months before I am really able to tell if any of the symptoms are going to go away or not. We are also seriously thinking about moving, but we haven't made any decisions yet about that. We have both agreed that there are certain criteria that we want in where we move. While we would like to be close to family, my medical care will need to come first and for most along with a good job for Daniel since I'd like to stay home. So that's the latest update for now. Tune in tomorrow for the next update on how we are doing.
Okay, I think I am starting to get restless and wanting to get out of here! I'm trying to keep an eye on some of the symptoms I was having beforehand to see if they really are going away. The one doctor came in this morning and took...no, ripped off the bandage in the back of my head! It hurt really bad! I think mainly because it took me by surprise. So after that and FINALLY getting a bed bath (I haven't been too impressed with the weekend nursing staff here) I took a nap for a bit and then visited with family. Dan and his mom stayed with me most of the day again. Mom and Brandi and my niece Delaney came by for a bit. I'm still trying to get the staff to get my meds all under control. I've got this annoying itch on my right foot. I had it before the surgery, but now it is really bad. It has been driving me nuts the whole time I've been in here. If they would just give me my neurotin when I've told them it's been prescribed for then I think it would help out alot. I've gottten more used to sleeping on my sides and now that the bandage is offf the back of my head and the staples are more exposed, staying on my back isn't the most comfortable thing for me right now. I'm really hoping tomorrow I'll be able to get out of my bed and into my chair and take a real shower! I might get the room to myself tonight as I think my roomie gets discharged tonight. I really can't wait to get "home" or at least back to the hotel where there is alot less noise and distractions so I can get a descent night's sleep!
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